Thursday mornings hurt

 I think that Thursday mornings hurt the most.

Today I feel the immense pain of reality that I'm not enjoying what I'm doing as much as I had hoped to.

From recent work, I've learned to express my anger and frustration through the firewall that I erected around my being 31 years ago this Autumn.  Unfortunately, deeper examination still doesn't bring about the other emotions that I hope to find lurking in the depths.  These  should be easy:

• genuinely laugh;
• feel sadness - although there are glimpses of that one;
• truly feel that moment of goodness;
• calm (came recently in a dream but was as fleeting as that world can be);
• feel joy;
• feel love - not the idea of love or the faux love of protection but true openness;
• ...

Again, those should be easy but these days I've only managed letting my anger and frustration out.  Somewhat of dread.

Leonard Cohen Live in London - Playing Hallelujah - the first verse made me cry the other day.  Not sadness.  Not joy?  Elation?  I don't know.  But it can trigger me.

Today is a long day - I'm past a deadline by a day and a bit with 3 tasks before me today.  They need to succeed so this evening I can explore other things and make tomorrow an excellent end to the week.