It's been quite the year - things were good, things were bad. It's been an interesting walking journey of discovery: again, things were good, things were bad. I guess with every day feels exactly the same, everything blurs.
Yesterday was an interesting day of driving somewhere. I do things for people that I call Angel Work. It's this strange compulsion to help someone who needs help even if most people would say that the recipients don't deserve it. I drove out into what felt like pre-pandemic driving. Instead of taking 12 minutes door to door, it was 18 and punctuated with what seemed like unending red lights, people in the way. A part of me just wanted them to go away. I guess what I'm thinking is that I enjoyed the convenience of driving with everybody staying put. Perhaps my arrogance and this compulsion to break the rules to do good made me feel privileged. And yet the feeling was more of frustration and anger with all of those people in my way. Things will open up and as much as I want (need/crave/ache for) the human contact at the office, I honestly want it both ways with everybody else staying put.
Perhaps I fear the return to normal as much as I want it. Don't get me wrong here - I really despise working from home. Work should be work and home should be home. The only time that work should appear at home is when I find inspiration at a strange hour, log in and tinker with something to make things better.
And then something really unusual happened when the recipient of help yesterday asked a question:
"So what makes you happy, Paul?"
And I really couldn't answer. I hadn't really thought about my own happiness. I've recently learned to relearn what makes me angry. That's an easy one. Frustration is another one - it's easy to express without containing it all.
There's another one lurking there - perhaps joyous sadness. That last one is easily triggered with music. The brilliance of Leonard Cohen's live performance in London of Hallelujah will have me at the edge of tears with that first verse: 'It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor falls, the major lifts..." Additionally the genius of Trent Reznor will trigger a similar reaction. Bear McCreary 's works can also do it but only if I wear the right headphones. And yet it is not happiness.
I remember the acquisition of things that I had dreamed of would bring me moments of happiness. The thought of saving up for something after lengthy research and dreaming for the 6-8 week shipping for this most anticipated item would keep me teasingly happy. Did it bring me happiness? Perhaps just satisfaction: the checking off of a response checkbox in a list of things that should make me happy. In this day of instant gratification, even the anticipation of delay of shipping isn't sufficient to bring about that spark of happiness. There's no anticipation. And the speedy nature of delivery certainly seems to bring less reward at the end. An unsatisfying orgasm that just bureaucratically is checked off with all the celebration of getting a free scoop of ice cream just because it's your birthday.
My answer was: "I don't know any more."
And then there was silence.
Then I heard, "That's okay - perhaps it will be something new."
The question actually threw me. And I'll ponder this more today and going forward with all things in this world. I hope that you all have a good day and not to worry - "I feel fine." All will be good.
For the Star Trek fans, it kind of hit me like this:
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